Juan Carlos kindly invited me to stay at his house during the HUBB biking rally. His place is at the end of a rising cul de sac in Valle de Bravo. There are several houses on the right hand side of the street where the pack lives.

Although Juan has lived here for several years they always chase him but they never get close. He goes too fast. However, a few months ago a new leader of the pack arrived. He is a Labrador sized mutt with a bad attitude. He spends all day lying in the middle of ‘his’ road, lording it over his domain.

He seems to have taken a particular dislike to my bike, probably because it the loudest. Whilst he doesn’t mind mopeds or scooters at all even when the rider is an easier target.
It was fine up to a week ago when I hit one of the smaller dogs. The pack leader coming up behind it forced it in front of my wheels. I braked hard and hit it’s back legs. It squealed and hobbled away home. I returned a few minutes later feeling guilty but with no Spanish not much communication with the owner occurred.

Dogs are rarely household pets as they usually are in the UK. They are primarily guard dogs or strays. Many people just kick them if they are in the way.

I told Juan and he said:

‘Good, they’re a bloody pain and deserve it. I normally go fast to avoid them’.

A few days later I was coming up the hill when I saw all the dogs together for the first time, maybe seven or eight of them. I knew this was going to be different. I accelerated towards them as they accelerated towards me.

I was almost past them when the same thing happened. The leader forced another dog in front of my wheels. This time the dog was a lot bigger so, in order to avoid crashing when hitting him I braked hard and sharply. The front of the bike dived heavily and I lost just enough speed to miss him. That’s when I felt something hit my leg. The leader was right besides me his face contorted in anger and aggression. I lifted my leg a bit and then realised the bastard had bit me.

I’d been on a shopping trip and so had worn my hiking rather than motorcross boots which would have protected me completely. His fangs entered my leg about four inches above my ankle, an inch above the end of my boot.

I was really angry when I got back to the house. With myself for not realizing the danger and lifting my legs up and at the dog for biting me.

I had had a similar experience years ago when I worked as a postman during the Christmas holidays. Normally posties give each other warnings about difficult dogs. Not this time. I walked up the garden path to the front door with one small letter.

I pushed open the letter box with a finger and pushed the letter through with my other hand. The moment the letter appeared it was torn out of my hand by the dog who had clearly been waiting in ambush besides the letter box. I was lucky. He'd caused nasty bites on other postmen's fingers.

I decided to retaliate to modify his behaviour. It took a while waiting for the right sort of letter. After about a week I had exactly what I needed. A good and strong A4 sized enveloped with a few smaller letters for extra flavour.

I walked up the path whistling to make sure he heard me. I pushed the envelope and letters about half way through the letterbox. He did his usual and took the bait. What he didn't know is that I had braced myself and was holding on to the other end really tightly with both hands.

I pulled the envelope back through the letter box as hard as I could.

There was a big yelp and squeal from the other side and the envelope was free. I then reposted the letters through the hole with ease. For a few weeks after that I used to waggle big letters just to wind him him but he never did it again.

I decided to teach this dog a similar lesson.

He had actually hurt me so I decided I am going to hurt him. If I don’t his behaviour will never change. Juan’s father told me of a time he and three friends were walking through a town in broad daylight. A pack of six dogs approached them aggressively. When dogs form a pack they cease to be pets and turn into killers.

‘Take off your belts, form a square with our backs together and get ready’ said Juan Carlos' father.

It took them five minutes of hitting the dogs as hard as they could with the buckles to drive them off. Any other result and they would have torn into the men.

Luckily, I have had the tetanus and rabies jabs and, following medical advice, am now on a course of antibiotics. If the dog develops rabies within a week it does get a bit more complicated.

The next time I went out on my bike I was armed with mossie killer.

All I succeeded in doing was covering myself in the stuff. The dog realised I wanted to harm him, kept his distance but still chased me.

I needed more fire power. For my next attempt I filled two small squeezy bottles with bleach and set off down the road. As the dog approached I gave him my first barrel.

Unfortunately, I forgot to test it first. It was designed to drip sauces onto food and wouldn’t produce even the tiniest of jets no matter how hard I squeezed. He wasn’t too scared of a soupcon. Again, he realised I meant business and kept back.

On the way back I switched to my second bottle. A much better jet this time but it was hopelessly inaccurate. I don’t think I got even one drop on him. He sure as hell noticed the difference and kept even further away.

What I wanted to do is get some in his mouth or preferably his eyes. However, it's difficult steering with one hand and trying to hit the dog with the jet from a tiny fairy liquid bottle with the other.

Today I’ve made further progress.

I’ve just bought two water pistols. I will practice tonight. Two gun Jerome.

One of them didn’t work at all.

One gun ‘that shoots to the left a lot’ Jerome.

If this fails I shall get one of those monster pressurised guns that shoot a veritable fountain over ten metres. If that fails maybe I’ll get a small flame thrower or a stick of dynamite. I am determined not to let my desire to win cloud my judgement.

'Oops, I’m terribly sorry about your slightly singed dog. It just went off in my hand.’

‘Oh, sorry about your car and house too. Perhaps you can now have the bigger kitchen you’ve always wanted’.